Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
honey bunches of taint.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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