so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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