Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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