Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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