the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize