i would punch a child for taco bell
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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