So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
