I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
