I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
