No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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