i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
