Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
