i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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