Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
