just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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