so let's talk penis.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
