I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize