Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
