New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You're like the curious george of whores
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
