I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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