just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
