I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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