So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
