Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
