What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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