i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You are a genius and a whore.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
