how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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