woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize