I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
