yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
