Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
