Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
