I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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