I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
