OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
