better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
