I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
