Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize