Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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