Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
