Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
