I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
whose ass print is on the piano?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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