He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
