We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
