I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
