I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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