dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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