Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
