Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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