Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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