don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm really busy with my period
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