We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
