I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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