If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Randomize
