i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
