Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
