So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
