I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
