The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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