i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
