Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
