I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
