Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize