I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
