My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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