he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
