I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
