I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
