So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
