When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Vodka?
Forever.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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