Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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