Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize