....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my poor anus
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
