i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
