your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize